I stabbed myself when I was sixteen years old, and I think it was enough to scare me and wake me up to know that I needed help. Having waited so long to admit that to myself, let alone to anyone else, I really didn't know where to start. As I've stated before, my father was in the Coast Guard, and we were scheduled to move from Ketchikan, Alaska to Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Little did I know that the summer of 1997 would hold many changes for me. One of the very last things I did with my friends in Alaska, was to go to a retreat with my youth group.
Sitting amongst many other students and taking notes like the role of the good little church girl that I portrayed, I was only half listening to what the preacher said. However, when the room became silent, I took notice, looking up to see him standing near me, looking straight at me. I looked around to try to figure out what I had missed when he told me to tell him I was beautiful. I wanted to laugh, to mock him for such an outlandish statement, but I was stunned into silence. I barely peeped out an, "I can't." He gave me his command again, and I accompanied it with the same answer. I didn't really understand what this man wanted from me. I began to get upset and angry for him putting me in such an awkward position, but he kept giving his commands. I finally stood up and said, "I can't, so please stop!" He had me move into the aisle so he was directly in front of me, and said, "I was preaching when God laid upon my heart that I needed to speak to you and that He needs to hear this from you."
Reflection: Now, looking back, I honestly don't remember what my inward feelings about this were, but I imagine I was quite shocked. But what he was saying to me was having an effect, and for so long I had these walls up, and here they were beginning to crumble.
You could've heard a pin drop so quiet the room was as I said, "I can't tell you I'm beautiful because I'm not. I'm covered in sin and shame and not worthy." Tears coursed down his face as he said, "Oh, but you are. I can see the burdens that you bear. They are so heavy upon you that you don't even stand up straight. But they are not yours to carry, place them at His feet and allow Him to carry YOU."
Reflection: I'm sure for a normal person, a person that trusts and yet still is hurting, this would be a relief, yet this man was challenging all I had built. Everything I had made to keep myself safe and he was telling me to give it up, to hand my life over to the One that had truly kept me safe all of these years. I've never blamed God for anything in my life, but this was a challenge to me, and it made me angry.
"If you see the burdens that I have, then surely you see the hurt, the anger, the confusion, the pain, and then after that, surely you see the sin and shame. I cannot tell you that I am beautiful, because I'm not." I've never seen such mercy and grace in someone's eyes before. I may have been crying before, but I was nearly hysterical at that. As though it was literally Jesus standing before me waiting for my answer, I felt this amazing peace sweep over the room. The room still held several hundred silent students, but I paid them no mind. "I can't tell you that I'm beautiful, I just can't.", I stated as I fell to the floor. He met me at the floor and said, "Tell me that you're beautiful. God gave His only Son so that He could cover you in His blood, His mercy, His grace, and it can be yours."
I couldn't do it. I couldn't say those words because I didn't believe them. On a bad day, I still don't. I don't remember much beyond that point because I cried for hours. I do know that I never told him what he wanted to hear, however, he had unknowingly unlocked a part of me that aided in tearing walls down and allowing God in. God gave Him a word, he listened, and he handed me a key to unlock the pain in my heart. I am forever indebted to him and I have three words that he has been waiting years to hear from me. I may not be perfect or beautiful by society's standards, but I am God's masterpiece and I am beautiful.
Two weeks later, my family and I moved to Oklahoma, and God began to change my life drastically.
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