When he got home that night I served dinner, stared at the floor and said, "I've got something to tell you." Staring at me intently, I knew he knew what was coming and I wanted to melt into the floor.
Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to tell him what I was thinking. "I'm leaving, I want to leave." The words flowed out so easily.
"Like really leave, or just go away for awhile?", he asked. "For real, forever", I stated calmly.
This made him angry. Tears coursed down his cheeks as he told me he didn't even know who I'd become. "I second that", I whispered. That night, we didn't talk to each other. He was weeping. I knew he was going over every aspect of our marriage, all the highs and lows. But I could hardly give him a satisfactory answer; he had lost my heart. I didn't love him anymore.
This man who had spent ten years of his life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for his wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I said, and in all honesty, I didn't want to. Finally he cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me this cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce had weighed heavily on my mind for a very long time, and now we were all forced to be okay with it.
In the morning he presented his divorce conditions: he didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. He requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. His reasons were simple and hardly anything I could argue over: we had two very young daughters and there would need to be a time to cope and sort things out. He also ask that he have full custody, since I would be leaving.
This was agreeable to me, although giving full custody over broke my heart. No judge worth their weight would give sole custody to me, but I still wanted to be their mother. But then he had something more, he asked me to recall how he had carried me to bed for much of our marriage.
Of course I remembered, it was something that started whenever I had a seizure, but carried on through. He requested that every day for the month's duration he would be allowed to carry me to the bed. I thought it was an odd request, however, I conceded in order to make our lives bearable.
My husband and I hadn't had any body contact for a very long time, so when he carried me to rest on the first day, it was very awkward. I closed my eyes and said softly; "Please don't hate me forever." He nodded, feeling somewhat upset.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. I leaned on his chest and could barely even feel a heartbeat. I looked up at his face and could read the stress. And while his arms were still strong, he must have lost at least twenty pounds! For a minute I wondered what I had done to him.
On the fourth day, when he lifted me up, he seemed so hurt. This was the man who had given ten years of him life to me. "Perhaps I'm overly committed", he said quietly. I had no response.
On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that over the years we had lost being soulmates and had simply become rolemates, playing a part everyday but not actually taking care of one another.
Wrestling with him and the girls one evening, I was pinned down and I started screaming for him to let me up. Suddenly it hit him. I had so much hurt, resentment and fear buried in my heart that I wasn't a whole person and I certainly didn't have a whole heart to give him. He reached out and just held me.
"I understand, at least as much as I can, " he stated one evening. "I just can't do it anymore, I wish I could, but I don't even know how to love you because I don't even love myself. I give advice like I'm a Pez dispenser, and I need to take my own advice. I need help," I whispered through my tears.
He picked me up and I hadn't noticed that our life lacked every day intimacy. A kiss on the forehead when he came in the door and one at night. Wow, that was all.
"I want to keep my ring, if you don't mind. Even though I don't feel worthy of wearing it, it still means something to me." He looked at me as hurt as could be and said, "I gave you that ring, I don't want it back."
My marriage life was never boring, but rather lonely. Most days we rarely saw each other, me working at the house and caring for our girls; him out working providing for us.
You'd be amazed at the things you accumulate over ten years of life. Cleaning it all out, separating what was mine and his was a difficult and sad task, but it had to be done. After it was all said and done I looked at him and said, "I wish I had something to give you, but I have nothing. You have needs and I've got nothing left to give. My greatest wish through all of this is that we can still be a family, that we can still be friends."
"You have a very delusional view of what a family is. A family is a husband and a wife that love each other and are great parents to their kids," he said firmly.
"A family is what you make of it. We aren't a husband and wife that love each other, but that doesn't mean we can't be good friends and be great parents to those girls," I fired back.
On one of the last nights, we were almost to the bedroom when he said, "I don't hate you, I just love you. Sometimes I think I love you too much."
"I don't believe that to be true, but I don't love you enough, and that is where the problem lies. You hold on so tightly and I am so quick to let go. I don't know any different," I said with a sigh.
"You've never had roots anywhere, you go where the wind blows you. I've been here all of my life and want to stay," he said, stating one of our obvious problems.
"I'm an individual. We may have come together as one, but we are still ourselves. Relationships are like sand you hold in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is. This is like allowing everyone to be who they really are. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand falls like rain through your fingers. You may hang on to some of it, but most will spill out. By forcing someone to be who they aren't, you are holding them tightly and they will eventually slip away and be lost. That is like me. I have to be allowed to breathe, to be me. Not just 'me' as a wife and a mother, but me as what God has designed me to be. You're prevential. You'll stay here all of your life and you're okay with that. I'm not. We're so different," I said, sadly.
"Then I hope you find what you're looking for in life," he said, having exhausted all options.
"What I'm looking for first and foremost is to be your friend. Please," I said, with hope in my voice.
"Friends," he asked. "Friends," I stated. He picked me up on our last night and said, "I promise I'll try." Looking up at him I said, "That's all I ask for. Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. Thank you for carrying me to bed all these years," I said quietly.
"It's been my pleasure. I wouldn't have it any other way," he said with a smile.
♥Always remember to be friends with your spouse. Love is just love, it's not a fairytale and it can be lost if it's ignored. Most often divorced couples are better friends than married couples. Don't just be rolemates, be soulmates, forever. Go on dates, leave little notes on pillows, speak kind words. But if the day comes that those things don't happen, at least be friends.♥
*Disclaimer - This is a fictional story, this is not what is necessarily going on in my life between Brandon and myself. My apologies for anyone that was confused. This is merely my feelings towards the situation, in fictional form. :)
Monday, December 6, 2010
Friday, December 3, 2010
My Grown-Up Christmas List
I have a grown-up Christmas list, however, it doesn't include anything than can truly be wrapped and placed beneath a tree. Most are seemingly unattainable for this world, however, they are my wishes nonetheless.
♥Tolerance
Far too often in this world do we judge someone based on race, religion and creed. In this day and age, we need to practice what we preach, which is the message of God. How are we to fulfill the Great Commission if we don't meet people where they are? We are all human, we all bleed the same, we all feel emotion, we all win and lose, and we are all capable of love. We kill our brothers with malice in our hearts, and most often, we don't truly understand why.
♥Understanding
People do not respect that which they do not understand. This is one of the reasons I enjoy studying theology, so that I can understand people, and even if I do not agree with them, I can still have respect. Everyone has a story and we would all do ourselves a great justice to hush (my own problem!) and listen. Heed the wisdom of those around us and those that have gone before us.
♥Compassion
Compassion is the greatest form of love humans have to offer. My definition of compassion is forgiving, loving, helping, leading and showing mercy for others. We will never know how far a little kindness will go. There is life and death in the tongue, so speak life.
♥Mercy & Grace
Most often these are thought to be the same, however mercy is not getting what you do deserve, while grace is getting what you don't deserve. Mercy is like a judge finding you guilty and then withholding your punishment. Grace is like the same judge awarding you a million dollars after finding you guilty. In Greek as in English, mercy can also be defined as pity or compassion, and in the KJV of the Bible, the word 'love' is often translated into 'mercy'. We get both grace and mercy from Jesus and we should give the same type of grace and mercy to others.
♥Peace
When I think about peace, I automatically think about a beauty pageant contestant stating that they want 'world peace'. Peace comes in all forms, and I mean it in all forms, but most of all one, and that is a personal peace. I think that is something only God can truly give, however, I understand that not everyone will believe in God and I just pray that they have the most perfect peace that they can know under those circumstances. Peace comes from living in the moment and looking for the good in others. Peacefulness comes from facing our fears and letting them go - trusting that things will turn out all right. Peacefulness is also a way of approaching conflict with others so no one is made wrong. Everyone wins because we then work to find a peaceful solution.
♥Love
Ancient Greek text has traditionally distinguished three notions that can properly be called 'love': eros, agape and philia. Respectively they are a passionate love, a Godly love and a brotherly love. We all feel love, we all have love to give. It is a part of each of us and we need to spread it around.
♥Intelligence
I have noticed that far too often are we influenced by the media or by what others tell us. You should never accept second-hand knowledge as the absolute truth, but study it for yourself. You do not have to attend a fancy school or even school at all to be intelligent. Be objective in your learning, take from both sides, even if you disagree. Be open-minded to new ideas. Ignorance breeds intolerance and intolerance breeds hatred.....and we wonder why our world is the way it is.
♥Time
Sometimes it flies and other times it cannot go fast enough. Do we make the moments in our lives, or do the moments in our life make us? Many people die with their music locked in them. Too often it is because they are always getting ready to live and before they know it, time has run out. Do not put off for tomorrow what can be done today. God has given you 86,400 seconds during this day, what will you use them for?
♥Blessings
The biggest thing you can do is step outside of yourself and be a blessing. The most prominent people to us gave up their most sacred things: Mary & Joseph gave up their reputations. God gave up His only Son. Jesus gave up His very life. When you give of yourself you will always be blessed in return. Winston Churchill wrote, 'We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.' Here are some gift suggestions: To your enemy, forgiveness. To an opponent, tolerance. To a friend, your heart. To a customer, service. To all, charity. To every child, a good example. To yourself, respect.
Blessings to each and every person, I pray everyone has an amazing holiday season.
♥Chele
♥Tolerance
Far too often in this world do we judge someone based on race, religion and creed. In this day and age, we need to practice what we preach, which is the message of God. How are we to fulfill the Great Commission if we don't meet people where they are? We are all human, we all bleed the same, we all feel emotion, we all win and lose, and we are all capable of love. We kill our brothers with malice in our hearts, and most often, we don't truly understand why.
♥Understanding
People do not respect that which they do not understand. This is one of the reasons I enjoy studying theology, so that I can understand people, and even if I do not agree with them, I can still have respect. Everyone has a story and we would all do ourselves a great justice to hush (my own problem!) and listen. Heed the wisdom of those around us and those that have gone before us.
♥Compassion
Compassion is the greatest form of love humans have to offer. My definition of compassion is forgiving, loving, helping, leading and showing mercy for others. We will never know how far a little kindness will go. There is life and death in the tongue, so speak life.
♥Mercy & Grace
Most often these are thought to be the same, however mercy is not getting what you do deserve, while grace is getting what you don't deserve. Mercy is like a judge finding you guilty and then withholding your punishment. Grace is like the same judge awarding you a million dollars after finding you guilty. In Greek as in English, mercy can also be defined as pity or compassion, and in the KJV of the Bible, the word 'love' is often translated into 'mercy'. We get both grace and mercy from Jesus and we should give the same type of grace and mercy to others.
♥Peace
When I think about peace, I automatically think about a beauty pageant contestant stating that they want 'world peace'. Peace comes in all forms, and I mean it in all forms, but most of all one, and that is a personal peace. I think that is something only God can truly give, however, I understand that not everyone will believe in God and I just pray that they have the most perfect peace that they can know under those circumstances. Peace comes from living in the moment and looking for the good in others. Peacefulness comes from facing our fears and letting them go - trusting that things will turn out all right. Peacefulness is also a way of approaching conflict with others so no one is made wrong. Everyone wins because we then work to find a peaceful solution.
♥Love
Ancient Greek text has traditionally distinguished three notions that can properly be called 'love': eros, agape and philia. Respectively they are a passionate love, a Godly love and a brotherly love. We all feel love, we all have love to give. It is a part of each of us and we need to spread it around.
♥Intelligence
I have noticed that far too often are we influenced by the media or by what others tell us. You should never accept second-hand knowledge as the absolute truth, but study it for yourself. You do not have to attend a fancy school or even school at all to be intelligent. Be objective in your learning, take from both sides, even if you disagree. Be open-minded to new ideas. Ignorance breeds intolerance and intolerance breeds hatred.....and we wonder why our world is the way it is.
♥Time
Sometimes it flies and other times it cannot go fast enough. Do we make the moments in our lives, or do the moments in our life make us? Many people die with their music locked in them. Too often it is because they are always getting ready to live and before they know it, time has run out. Do not put off for tomorrow what can be done today. God has given you 86,400 seconds during this day, what will you use them for?
♥Blessings
The biggest thing you can do is step outside of yourself and be a blessing. The most prominent people to us gave up their most sacred things: Mary & Joseph gave up their reputations. God gave up His only Son. Jesus gave up His very life. When you give of yourself you will always be blessed in return. Winston Churchill wrote, 'We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.' Here are some gift suggestions: To your enemy, forgiveness. To an opponent, tolerance. To a friend, your heart. To a customer, service. To all, charity. To every child, a good example. To yourself, respect.
Blessings to each and every person, I pray everyone has an amazing holiday season.
♥Chele
Friday, November 19, 2010
My Journal
Choices are never easy. I've come to find that if a choice you make comes very easy to you, it's probably not the right one. Most often what you choose is going to be gut-wretching, tear-jerking, and possibly not popular and painful. What is so wrong with being unpopular? What are we all so mortally fearful of? Pray, seek God's will and make the choice He wants you to, no matter the cost. Freedom cost, as does restriction - I suppose it depends on what is more important to you.
♥Chele
I've often heard that people in prison become institutionalized by their walls and fences. I believe that with all of my heart. At first those walls cause fear, anxiety and denial, then they justify your reason for being there. At some point they start to not be so terrible and then they become familiar and almost comforting. This is how I feel in my house, except mine is backwards. Where my walls were once a comfort, they now cause fear. Fear of who I am becoming because of them. I have come to hate them, yet I cannot escape them. Most often a person resents another, but I resent my walls. As grateful as I am that I have them as shelter, they have isolated and institutionalized me.
♥Chele
Aside from God, is truth absolute anymore? It seems that people twist and turn things to fit their needs, as though there is no more black & white, right & wrong, only grey & justification. NOTHING in this life should ever be justified. You are either right or you're wrong, that's it. I've been wrong a great many times in my twenty-nine years, and I've regretted and learned from them all. Is there a truth still absolute? Yes, there are just not that many absolutely truthful people.
♥Chele
Compassion is the greatest form of love that humans have to offer. Treating others with an ounce of compassion isn't difficult. How are you to 'love your neighbour as yourself' if you do not love and respect yourself? People will never know how far a little kindness and mercy could go. Maybe they'll pay it forward and start a chain reaction of the same. The world could use a little more compassion in it. ALL love should be unconditional....but it's not.
♥Chele
I tried to make a bucket list, you know, a list of things to do before you die. I have one from when I was a kid, but I've crossed much off and other things are just not attainable. No biggie, new dreams! :) But I came to find my list was so outrageously long. I was born to stand out, I truly believe that (not arrogantly), and I believe I was born to do a great many things. If I had to name my greatest accomplishment thus far, it'd have to be my girls. I'm not the perfect Mom by any means, but I love them with all that I have. They are my little miracles; babies I was told I'd never have.
♥Chele
I'm so tired of hurting people. No matter what I say and do, someone gets hurt. Most often I feel like I'm standing in the middle of Times Square, screaming and no one even looks up. Every person continues to move, live and breathe as normal. I feel invisible in my own world. People listen, but they don't really hear. They hear what they want, which has caused me to be silent. People try and talk me out of feeling the way I do, but it doesn't work that way. It's no one's fault - I started screaming after my head was under water.
♥Chele
My life is my message. It's been a ride so far, but I've learned a lot and I think others can as well. I want to shine outside the walls of the church - after all, that is where the world waits. I want the power to effect change. To have people listen and hear and take what they need. I want to be used by God. I want to teach tolerance and respect to those who may not ever understand. Make me a servant Lord, humble and meek. May that always be my prayer.
♥Chele
Oftentimes our minds are closed to what God is trying to show and/or tell us. Despite being made in His image, we still think as humans. Abigail was beautiful and intelligent, but she was also humble and had a servant's heart. She was very brave and in learning about her, I was surprised by her honesty. I want to be wise, insightful, a good steward, unselfish, humble, trustworthy, obedient, have humility and good knowledge of the Lord's word. I want to be like Abigail.
♥Chele
♥Chele
I've often heard that people in prison become institutionalized by their walls and fences. I believe that with all of my heart. At first those walls cause fear, anxiety and denial, then they justify your reason for being there. At some point they start to not be so terrible and then they become familiar and almost comforting. This is how I feel in my house, except mine is backwards. Where my walls were once a comfort, they now cause fear. Fear of who I am becoming because of them. I have come to hate them, yet I cannot escape them. Most often a person resents another, but I resent my walls. As grateful as I am that I have them as shelter, they have isolated and institutionalized me.
♥Chele
Aside from God, is truth absolute anymore? It seems that people twist and turn things to fit their needs, as though there is no more black & white, right & wrong, only grey & justification. NOTHING in this life should ever be justified. You are either right or you're wrong, that's it. I've been wrong a great many times in my twenty-nine years, and I've regretted and learned from them all. Is there a truth still absolute? Yes, there are just not that many absolutely truthful people.
♥Chele
Compassion is the greatest form of love that humans have to offer. Treating others with an ounce of compassion isn't difficult. How are you to 'love your neighbour as yourself' if you do not love and respect yourself? People will never know how far a little kindness and mercy could go. Maybe they'll pay it forward and start a chain reaction of the same. The world could use a little more compassion in it. ALL love should be unconditional....but it's not.
♥Chele
I tried to make a bucket list, you know, a list of things to do before you die. I have one from when I was a kid, but I've crossed much off and other things are just not attainable. No biggie, new dreams! :) But I came to find my list was so outrageously long. I was born to stand out, I truly believe that (not arrogantly), and I believe I was born to do a great many things. If I had to name my greatest accomplishment thus far, it'd have to be my girls. I'm not the perfect Mom by any means, but I love them with all that I have. They are my little miracles; babies I was told I'd never have.
♥Chele
I'm so tired of hurting people. No matter what I say and do, someone gets hurt. Most often I feel like I'm standing in the middle of Times Square, screaming and no one even looks up. Every person continues to move, live and breathe as normal. I feel invisible in my own world. People listen, but they don't really hear. They hear what they want, which has caused me to be silent. People try and talk me out of feeling the way I do, but it doesn't work that way. It's no one's fault - I started screaming after my head was under water.
♥Chele
My life is my message. It's been a ride so far, but I've learned a lot and I think others can as well. I want to shine outside the walls of the church - after all, that is where the world waits. I want the power to effect change. To have people listen and hear and take what they need. I want to be used by God. I want to teach tolerance and respect to those who may not ever understand. Make me a servant Lord, humble and meek. May that always be my prayer.
♥Chele
Oftentimes our minds are closed to what God is trying to show and/or tell us. Despite being made in His image, we still think as humans. Abigail was beautiful and intelligent, but she was also humble and had a servant's heart. She was very brave and in learning about her, I was surprised by her honesty. I want to be wise, insightful, a good steward, unselfish, humble, trustworthy, obedient, have humility and good knowledge of the Lord's word. I want to be like Abigail.
♥Chele
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Mercy for Lora
My dear friend, Lora, was at the Mercy Ministries home in Lincoln, CA for the past 7 months. She has an amazing testimony and I'm glad I was able to join her in this journey. She has graduated and is back home and it's crazy to me the transformation. She sits differently, her hands don't shake. Her pupils aren't dilated and there are no marks on her arm. Her voice doesn't quiver as though she's nervous to speak and she has a beautiful and healthy glow about her. She is happy and healthy and best of all, she didn't have to ask me for a scripture reference, she was actually pointing some out to me! It is such a blessing having her in my life and I look forward to what God has in store for her.
If you want to read her partial testimony from Mercy, here it is: http://www.mercyministriesnews.com/2010/10/three-more-graduates-celebrate-life.html
If you want to read her partial testimony from Mercy, here it is: http://www.mercyministriesnews.com/2010/10/three-more-graduates-celebrate-life.html
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Learning to Speak
Once a month I attend a Ladies Night that my Mom throws and I help with. It's a great group of ladies from all different walks of life, and I've enjoyed each of the nights so far. The next one coming up is all about family, being that we, as ladies, are a family. We are supposed to speak about women in our life who have impacted us, so here is mine.
I've always kind of been the quiet one, which is odd because I'm also very loud. I've shied away from 'spilling my guts' to close friends and relatives because I've been hurt in my life and I just didn't want to be hurt again. But there have been plenty of places I've been where I've gone to my Mom, I'm very grateful for her. She has one heck of a testimony and always dispenses great advice. While I was thinking about what I would say, I came across some advice she gave me about 2 years ago.
And even though it was advice given so long ago, it was a God-thing that I found it because I really needed to hear it today. I am very blessed to have a Mom like her who is always willing to listen, I just need to learn to speak.
I've always kind of been the quiet one, which is odd because I'm also very loud. I've shied away from 'spilling my guts' to close friends and relatives because I've been hurt in my life and I just didn't want to be hurt again. But there have been plenty of places I've been where I've gone to my Mom, I'm very grateful for her. She has one heck of a testimony and always dispenses great advice. While I was thinking about what I would say, I came across some advice she gave me about 2 years ago.
And even though it was advice given so long ago, it was a God-thing that I found it because I really needed to hear it today. I am very blessed to have a Mom like her who is always willing to listen, I just need to learn to speak.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Hostage
Have you ever feared anything? I mean a real fear, not something that causes a girly shriek and a laugh. But a serious, unearthing, nerve-shattering, life-consuming fear. When I let everything in my past go and moved on, I laid every burden down except fear. I never knew what a hold it had on me.
It is like a cloak, draped over my shoulders. It is pulled so tightly around me at times that I can scarcely breathe. Trying to shake such a thing would be nearly impossible for its weight is unlike anything I have ever encountered. At times, you can see the life go out of my eyes and hear the change of inflection in my voice, it strangles me so. I have moved, lived, and breathed with this draped over me and it is exhausting. There was a point in my life where it had me so entangled that I didn't even stand up straight. It was like there was something tangible on my back and shoulders for it weighed me down so much.
I have felt stuck at times, as though wearing something made of stone, unable to move, and all I can do is scream, but no one looks up. Sometimes my chest and throat are so tight with fear that I can barely breathe, and at night, sometimes, I wake up drenched in sweat, shaking from head to toe.
But God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love and of a sound mind. However, thirteen years ago, I didn't lay the burden of fear down when I let everything else go and I realize that I am being held hostage to it.
It is like a cloak, draped over my shoulders. It is pulled so tightly around me at times that I can scarcely breathe. Trying to shake such a thing would be nearly impossible for its weight is unlike anything I have ever encountered. At times, you can see the life go out of my eyes and hear the change of inflection in my voice, it strangles me so. I have moved, lived, and breathed with this draped over me and it is exhausting. There was a point in my life where it had me so entangled that I didn't even stand up straight. It was like there was something tangible on my back and shoulders for it weighed me down so much.
I have felt stuck at times, as though wearing something made of stone, unable to move, and all I can do is scream, but no one looks up. Sometimes my chest and throat are so tight with fear that I can barely breathe, and at night, sometimes, I wake up drenched in sweat, shaking from head to toe.
But God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love and of a sound mind. However, thirteen years ago, I didn't lay the burden of fear down when I let everything else go and I realize that I am being held hostage to it.
Mistakes
What is it about making a mistake that we are all so mortally afraid of? We all make them. In all honesty, I rarely judge anyone for their actions because I never know what happens behind closed doors or what their life has been like. Plus, I wouldn't want to be judged.
I've made countless mistakes, my list is almost endless. Just when I feel I've got my feet on solid ground, someone else winds up getting hurt. How do you fix the past? How do you right wrongs? Apologies get redundant, in my opinion, because you don't truly know the sincerity behind it. How do you stop trying to fix the blame for the past and start charting a new and better course for the future?
We are a society that feeds on tragedy and sin. People are always judging each other based on their own decisions, based on decisions of someone they know. Whether they actually like or agree with them is irrelevant, it is all about the acceptable way to do things. The acceptable way....acceptable in this society's eyes or in God's eyes? I'm so tired of doing the 'acceptable' thing, and now that I've done what most people deem as taboo, I actually think I'll get the answers I need, I'll always lean on God. If I do the 'wrong' thing, it's almost as though people think that I'm a goner then, and I can't be helped. But from what I know about God, theology aside, as long as I look to God, He will always be there.....in fact, He will always be there no matter what. So who is to say I am right or wrong for what I am choosing to do? No one.....yet everyone still speaks.
I always say, 'People may not believe what you say, but they'll always believe what you do.' and I still believe that to be true. People can think whatever they wish about me. Label me, I don't care, because in the end, I'll still rise from the ashes and be a better person.....and I'll prove that not with my words, but with my actions.
I've made countless mistakes, my list is almost endless. Just when I feel I've got my feet on solid ground, someone else winds up getting hurt. How do you fix the past? How do you right wrongs? Apologies get redundant, in my opinion, because you don't truly know the sincerity behind it. How do you stop trying to fix the blame for the past and start charting a new and better course for the future?
We are a society that feeds on tragedy and sin. People are always judging each other based on their own decisions, based on decisions of someone they know. Whether they actually like or agree with them is irrelevant, it is all about the acceptable way to do things. The acceptable way....acceptable in this society's eyes or in God's eyes? I'm so tired of doing the 'acceptable' thing, and now that I've done what most people deem as taboo, I actually think I'll get the answers I need, I'll always lean on God. If I do the 'wrong' thing, it's almost as though people think that I'm a goner then, and I can't be helped. But from what I know about God, theology aside, as long as I look to God, He will always be there.....in fact, He will always be there no matter what. So who is to say I am right or wrong for what I am choosing to do? No one.....yet everyone still speaks.
I always say, 'People may not believe what you say, but they'll always believe what you do.' and I still believe that to be true. People can think whatever they wish about me. Label me, I don't care, because in the end, I'll still rise from the ashes and be a better person.....and I'll prove that not with my words, but with my actions.
Friday, November 5, 2010
My Card
I believe I know my future, my fate
Because I play the same cards everyday.
I think I used to have a plan and purpose
But it seems so far away, so it must've been a dream.
I know I used to have a voice, so I stand surrounded screaming
But the only noise I hear is silence screaming back.
It started to consume me, so I never made a sound,
But so much of it caught attention, go figure, and now everyone is around.
I feel their eyes watching me
What card will I play next?
I've fallen from my pedestal and don't even feel the pain.
I wear a mask, nearly praying they won't look behind
But I want them to, I need them to or else I won't survive.
I must've started bleeding or I'm bruised from such a fall
But I can't reach the hand held out because there are too many walls
Sometimes I think I'm happy, it's easy to pretend.
I wish I knew how this started, but I do know how it will end.
I wrote it on a card and buried it with my hopes and dreams.
After I'm just a memory from having fallen from so high
I'll have my chance to play my card, so much more than what is seen.
When old walls have crumbled around me and I have a place to stand
I'll rise up from the ashes, not because I have to, but because I can.
It should be a sign of character to give someone a second chance
It should be a sign of character to give someone a second chance
But guarded are the hearts that do, so it's a rarity in life.
I'll have to reinvent me, but it doesn't sound so bad.
I used to have a plan and purpose, and it's not the joker card.
I used to have a voice, and now it slices through the silence.
I will take this world by storm even if the stakes are high
And whether I'm on a mountain or in a valley, the new light in me will shine.
Just Worship
My heart beats out of beat because its beating has everything to do with what I’ve grown accustomed to.
The music, the melodies, the choruses, the rhythm.
The stained glass windows to match the great entrances.
The beautiful feel of the church atmosphere.
The nod, the wave, the casual smile, the formal handshake.
The one hour on Sunday because Mondays belong to work, school and everything else and Saturdays are way too close to Sundays.
As if our worship ran on electricity. Keep it off during the week because your ’Worship Bill’ might just come in too high.
As if our worship was wholly based on singing songs and raising hands when hands and limbs are the price paid by worshippers in other countries because they refuse to renounce their God……our God.
As if our worship needed the John Maddens to lead us in a play-by-play, or the Simons to brand us as American Idols or the John Mayers to remind us that the world is waiting or the Jay-Zs to proclaim that Jesus can’t save or the Larry Kings and the 60 Minutes to inform us of what’s happening in our world.
When what’s going on in our world should be more than just information for our ears, or conversations at lunch breaks, or Facebook statuses and blogging materials.
As if our worship needed great big neon signs to attract the masses or catchy phrases to get our attention.
As if our worship needed an amazing return on investment to convince us of it’s worth.
As if our worship needed stages, microphones, lights and American Idols to make it authentic.
Teach us worship, Lord, teach us worship.
Open our eyes God, to feel the pain of the black and blue that camouflage the bodies of little boys and girls around this planet who can’t fight for themselves but hope for the church to fight for them.
Open our eyes God, to understand the thoughts or expressions on a child’s face when they realize that Mom and Dad has just made an exchange. Their little bodies for change in the form of revenue, their little souls for pleasure in the form of sin we know now as trafficking.
Open our eyes God, to imagine the daily activities of prostitutes and drug addicts that seem too filthy to be part of our story, but the Rahabs and the thief on the cross never filthy enough to have been excluded from His story.
Open our eyes God, to respond to the pain of the unborn child made in Your image. The beauty in a mother’s womb that screams, “I exist!”. When the world concludes it is just a blob, they say, “Feed me.” , the world says, “Feed us…it’s just a fetus.”.
Open our eyes God, to protect the purity of our youth in a world that proclaims that a virgin has no status. How mistaken, when the real version of the virgin birth is the One who gives them status. His breath that awakens their apparatus with the purpose of creating a like virgin of them with a virgin.
Open our eyes God, to breathe in the greatness of You who makes dead things come alive, live things look fly, fly things fly high into skies where their cries become laughter. Because in our stadiums the rafters are filled with fatherless sons we call bastards and motherless daughters we call future disasters.
May we drown in justice, may we be resuscitated with hearts transformed, with hearts that mute the music’s noise because they long for a worship that responds to the angelic callings of the orphan and the widow.
A worship that feeds, a worship that quenches thirst.
A worship that isn’t irritated by visiting hours or prison doors.
A worship whose sense of smell can stomach the stench of urine and unbrushed teeth.
Whose sense of sight can bear an urban crown of thorns, lice-filled hair and bloody nails.
Whose sense of touch and embrace can loosen the grip of domestic violence.
Whose sense of hearing and concern can fill the void shaped by the held back ‘I love you’s’ that turn dreams into nightmares and nightmares into realities.
A worship whose purpose is to shine outside the dry walls of the church where the world waits and a God watches.
The question, the challenge. WILL you worship?
The music, the melodies, the choruses, the rhythm.
The stained glass windows to match the great entrances.
The beautiful feel of the church atmosphere.
The nod, the wave, the casual smile, the formal handshake.
The one hour on Sunday because Mondays belong to work, school and everything else and Saturdays are way too close to Sundays.
As if our worship ran on electricity. Keep it off during the week because your ’Worship Bill’ might just come in too high.
As if our worship was wholly based on singing songs and raising hands when hands and limbs are the price paid by worshippers in other countries because they refuse to renounce their God……our God.
As if our worship needed the John Maddens to lead us in a play-by-play, or the Simons to brand us as American Idols or the John Mayers to remind us that the world is waiting or the Jay-Zs to proclaim that Jesus can’t save or the Larry Kings and the 60 Minutes to inform us of what’s happening in our world.
When what’s going on in our world should be more than just information for our ears, or conversations at lunch breaks, or Facebook statuses and blogging materials.
As if our worship needed great big neon signs to attract the masses or catchy phrases to get our attention.
As if our worship needed an amazing return on investment to convince us of it’s worth.
As if our worship needed stages, microphones, lights and American Idols to make it authentic.
Teach us worship, Lord, teach us worship.
Open our eyes God, to feel the pain of the black and blue that camouflage the bodies of little boys and girls around this planet who can’t fight for themselves but hope for the church to fight for them.
Open our eyes God, to understand the thoughts or expressions on a child’s face when they realize that Mom and Dad has just made an exchange. Their little bodies for change in the form of revenue, their little souls for pleasure in the form of sin we know now as trafficking.
Open our eyes God, to imagine the daily activities of prostitutes and drug addicts that seem too filthy to be part of our story, but the Rahabs and the thief on the cross never filthy enough to have been excluded from His story.
Open our eyes God, to respond to the pain of the unborn child made in Your image. The beauty in a mother’s womb that screams, “I exist!”. When the world concludes it is just a blob, they say, “Feed me.” , the world says, “Feed us…it’s just a fetus.”.
Open our eyes God, to protect the purity of our youth in a world that proclaims that a virgin has no status. How mistaken, when the real version of the virgin birth is the One who gives them status. His breath that awakens their apparatus with the purpose of creating a like virgin of them with a virgin.
Open our eyes God, to breathe in the greatness of You who makes dead things come alive, live things look fly, fly things fly high into skies where their cries become laughter. Because in our stadiums the rafters are filled with fatherless sons we call bastards and motherless daughters we call future disasters.
May we drown in justice, may we be resuscitated with hearts transformed, with hearts that mute the music’s noise because they long for a worship that responds to the angelic callings of the orphan and the widow.
A worship that feeds, a worship that quenches thirst.
A worship that isn’t irritated by visiting hours or prison doors.
A worship whose sense of smell can stomach the stench of urine and unbrushed teeth.
Whose sense of sight can bear an urban crown of thorns, lice-filled hair and bloody nails.
Whose sense of touch and embrace can loosen the grip of domestic violence.
Whose sense of hearing and concern can fill the void shaped by the held back ‘I love you’s’ that turn dreams into nightmares and nightmares into realities.
A worship whose purpose is to shine outside the dry walls of the church where the world waits and a God watches.
The question, the challenge. WILL you worship?
My Advice....
Good ol' U-S of A, please stand up…..
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, Colgate toothpaste would be it.
The long term benefits of Colgate toothpaste have been proven due to its different active ingredients, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own life experience….which I have much of.
I will dispense this advice now….don’t be afraid, it’s not bad.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; most will not understand the power and beauty of their youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 10 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked…..you were not as fat as you imagined and those pimples weren't glaring red lights.
Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to running a marathon with no legs. It can be done, of course, but not the conventional way.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday. Things that sneak up on you and you never even realize they were a problem until it's almost too far gone to fix.
Do one thing everyday that scares you….sing in public, jump rope with the neighbourhood kids even if they laugh. Tell a random person they look nice, leave a big tip, ask that person staring at you from across the room how their day was.
Talk to random people, wrong numbers, people that just look like they need a friend. You never know how far a little kindness can go, and you also never know what your words might mean to someone, even if they are just words to you. I have found this truth to be self-evident in my life when even at a Burger King drive through window, asking the woman if she was okay, she totally broke down. Everyone has a story, we'd do ourselves a justice to start listening.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Use at least SPF 15 sunscreen.....your skin will greatly appreciate such a thing.
Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself. If you truly love someone, jealousy is not only a waste of time, but it's also an evil root that can cause many other problems.
Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how, because I’m a 'sticks and stones may break my bones and words will always hurt me' person.
Keep your old love letters, show them to your kids, even if they aren't all from your spouse. They will be enamoured at how "old" it all is and how "nerdy", but they'll listen.....and they may just learn a thing or two.
Don't tell a woman she's a 10, show her.
Stretch….touch those toes before you can’t see them anymore.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. Some of the most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of calcium, your bones will thank you.
Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when you can walk no more.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't, Maybe you'll divorce at 30, maybe you'll dance the Cupid Shuffle on your 75th wedding anniversary…
Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, as are everyone else's.
Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…
Don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own…..learn that early.
Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. Record it and laugh at it for years later.
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
Do not trust beauty magazines; you will feel ugly, fat, poor and very boring.
Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for good. And believe it or not, they are a wealth of information.
Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young. Live in the South once, but leave before it makes you hard-hearted and close-minded; live in the North once, but leave before it makes you soft and too open-minded….if there is such a thing.
Travel….find out for yourself that the world really is round.
Accept certain inevitable truths: prices will rise, politicians will philander. You too will get old, and when you do you'll 'remember when' when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.
Just as your grandparents had no air-conditioning, 1 bed for 6 kids and they had to walk to school, uphill both ways, in the snow with one shoe, you too will have your own “story” to tell.
Respect your elders, respect authority, but don’t be too submissive.
Don't expect anyone else to support you.
Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.
Be nice to your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it.
Remember that love is just love, and it’s not a fairytale. It can conquer all, but it can be blind. If that isn’t an oxymoron, I don’t know of one.
Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.
But trust me on the toothpaste…
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, Colgate toothpaste would be it.
The long term benefits of Colgate toothpaste have been proven due to its different active ingredients, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own life experience….which I have much of.
I will dispense this advice now….don’t be afraid, it’s not bad.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; most will not understand the power and beauty of their youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 10 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked…..you were not as fat as you imagined and those pimples weren't glaring red lights.
Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to running a marathon with no legs. It can be done, of course, but not the conventional way.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday. Things that sneak up on you and you never even realize they were a problem until it's almost too far gone to fix.
Do one thing everyday that scares you….sing in public, jump rope with the neighbourhood kids even if they laugh. Tell a random person they look nice, leave a big tip, ask that person staring at you from across the room how their day was.
Talk to random people, wrong numbers, people that just look like they need a friend. You never know how far a little kindness can go, and you also never know what your words might mean to someone, even if they are just words to you. I have found this truth to be self-evident in my life when even at a Burger King drive through window, asking the woman if she was okay, she totally broke down. Everyone has a story, we'd do ourselves a justice to start listening.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Use at least SPF 15 sunscreen.....your skin will greatly appreciate such a thing.
Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself. If you truly love someone, jealousy is not only a waste of time, but it's also an evil root that can cause many other problems.
Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how, because I’m a 'sticks and stones may break my bones and words will always hurt me' person.
Keep your old love letters, show them to your kids, even if they aren't all from your spouse. They will be enamoured at how "old" it all is and how "nerdy", but they'll listen.....and they may just learn a thing or two.
Don't tell a woman she's a 10, show her.
Stretch….touch those toes before you can’t see them anymore.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. Some of the most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of calcium, your bones will thank you.
Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when you can walk no more.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't, Maybe you'll divorce at 30, maybe you'll dance the Cupid Shuffle on your 75th wedding anniversary…
Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, as are everyone else's.
Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…
Don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own…..learn that early.
Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. Record it and laugh at it for years later.
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
Do not trust beauty magazines; you will feel ugly, fat, poor and very boring.
Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for good. And believe it or not, they are a wealth of information.
Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young. Live in the South once, but leave before it makes you hard-hearted and close-minded; live in the North once, but leave before it makes you soft and too open-minded….if there is such a thing.
Travel….find out for yourself that the world really is round.
Accept certain inevitable truths: prices will rise, politicians will philander. You too will get old, and when you do you'll 'remember when' when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.
Just as your grandparents had no air-conditioning, 1 bed for 6 kids and they had to walk to school, uphill both ways, in the snow with one shoe, you too will have your own “story” to tell.
Respect your elders, respect authority, but don’t be too submissive.
Don't expect anyone else to support you.
Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.
Be nice to your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it.
Remember that love is just love, and it’s not a fairytale. It can conquer all, but it can be blind. If that isn’t an oxymoron, I don’t know of one.
Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.
But trust me on the toothpaste…
The Mask
Once there was a little girl who found a mask in an old trunk filled to the brim with vintage clothes. When she put it on, she felt powerful, like a completely different person. When the mask was off, she was herself, but more and more she wanted to wear that mask; in the mask she felt important and accepted. As she grew up, life happened and when she felt the need, she would put on her mask, taking the world by storm. She could be whomever she wanted to be, instead of the person everyone wanted her to be. Day by day, year by year, it got more difficult to leave the mask behind, as it had become a part of her. She would wear her mask and do marvelous things, things she didn't know if she could do without it. One day, someone asked why she wore it. "Why do you hide within yourself when you were made to stand out?" This made her think, and she took her mask off. No one even batted an eye, as they didn't know who she was. "The mask makes me 'me'", she replied. The woman looked at her and said, "No, it's what is inside of you that makes you beautiful and important. What makes you different is most often your greatest strength." She didn't know about this, as she wasn't sure who she truly was anymore, the mask had become her. Walking home in utter silence, she passed a broken window. Not having seen her face in a long time, it startled her. Thinking to herself, she said, "What makes me different is my greatest strength...." She turned to go, tenderly laying the mask down, allowing it to remain where it was, and she walked away. When she got home, she went straight to the mirror and saw the love and passion for what she did. She took notice of the lines on her face, traces of laughter and fear. But most of all, she thought of herself as beautiful and powerful in her own skin.
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