If you would've asked me what depression meant, at the age of nine, I wouldn't have known. I did, however, feel depressed, I just didn't know it had a name. Sad, scared and lonely is how I spent the next several years of my life. I made friends and started to emerge from that cocoon of fear. I was all about attention. For someone that had been hurt in such a horrific way, you would think I wouldn't want a watchful eye on me, but I felt that if all eyes were on me, I was somehow more safe.
I fell into a dangerous web of self-abuse. I would inflict wounds upon myself to try to ease the inner pain. I cut myself on my inner thighs and under my arms. I stabbed myself with my earrings and hit myself with anything metal that would leave a mark. Sometimes it was the weights I had to lift, or the rubberbands that I did physical therapy with. My curling iron always left marks, and then I would wrap my arm up with some story about how I had hurt myself.
Reflection: I can look back and see God's hand in my life everywhere, because there are so many instances that most people would call coincidence and they are to numerous to count. I don't believe in chances, circumstances or coincidences. I believe in God, and that belief never left me, no matter what.
This abuse went on for a few years and then it got to the point that what I was doing wasn't enough. One night while my family was sleeping, I slipped downstairs and swallowed an entire bottle of pills. I never intended on taking my life, but I didn't look to see what the prescription was. I just needed to hurt myself more. I wanted to hurt like I had that day so many years before so that maybe I could take it all back; maybe it would just all go away. I'm very blessed that whatever I took was something that only caused me to vomit, and didn't cause any more harm.
At the time, my mother was a teacher and my father was still in the Coast Guard. My Mom had a meeting after school and left me instructions to put in a frozen pizza for my brother and myself. As I pulled it out of the oven, I grabbed a large knife instead of the pizza cutter and without another thought, I plunged it into my stomach. Now, mind you, my Mom was supposed to be at a meeting, but just as that knife broke my skin, I heard the crunching of gravel beneath tires. I looked up to see my Mom, whose meeting had been cancelled. I threw the knife in the sink and ran to the bathroom, cleaned it up, and it's my only reminder that I still have today of the hell I lived through.
I was trapped inside of myself; a prisoner with my own man-made walls, and I needed a reprieve.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Tour The Prison: The First Night
Even at the age of nine, I had still seen plenty of Lifetime movies with my mother. You know, some cute guy sees a pretty girl, charms her, marries her, beats her, she leaves him and he kills her. They're all the same, just different pretty faces and names. I had also seen many rape victims stay victim all of their lives, and I refused for that to happen. I was scared and lonely, hurting and I didn't know what to do, so I did nothing. I didn't want to be "Poor little Michele, rape victim." for the rest of my life, so I stuck with the story my friends told, the one where I was chased by Andrea and her friends.
The probelm with one lie is that it spirals out of control and becomes multiple lies. I wasn't okay. I was scared, I was scarred, I was merely a shell of my former self. What was taken from me that day was some of the most valuable things a person can have. I didn't trust anyone, certainly not myself. I wasn't racist, I know abuse knows no gender, race, age, etc. I dreaded going anywhere, I always wanted to stay with a group.
I know what it's like to scrub your skin until it bleeds. I know what it's like to scream and not hear your own voice. I know what it's like to look in the mirror and see nothing. The worst feeling in the world is lying in your own bed wishing for your own death, because you know the pain of that would be much easier than the daily pain you walk with. What those guys stole from me that day was irreplaceable. What they did was horrid, unfair and a punishment I didn't deserve.
In the years after my rape I was like a caterpillar stuck in a caccoon. I would wake up drenched in sweat, barely able to breathe, feeling like I was pinned down, but knowing that I wasn't. I hate the smell of fresh cut grass, the smell of sweat still makes me gag, and the heat has caused me to panic on many occassions. The worst thing I ever did was stay silent about what happened to me. I needed help, I just didn't realize it at the time. In my child-like mind that originially trusted too much, I felt like I would be treated like an invalid, and I was so scared no one would believe me, that silence seemed like the best option.
Freedom costs, as does restriction. I wish I would've known at that moment how much restriction would cost me.
The probelm with one lie is that it spirals out of control and becomes multiple lies. I wasn't okay. I was scared, I was scarred, I was merely a shell of my former self. What was taken from me that day was some of the most valuable things a person can have. I didn't trust anyone, certainly not myself. I wasn't racist, I know abuse knows no gender, race, age, etc. I dreaded going anywhere, I always wanted to stay with a group.
I know what it's like to scrub your skin until it bleeds. I know what it's like to scream and not hear your own voice. I know what it's like to look in the mirror and see nothing. The worst feeling in the world is lying in your own bed wishing for your own death, because you know the pain of that would be much easier than the daily pain you walk with. What those guys stole from me that day was irreplaceable. What they did was horrid, unfair and a punishment I didn't deserve.
In the years after my rape I was like a caterpillar stuck in a caccoon. I would wake up drenched in sweat, barely able to breathe, feeling like I was pinned down, but knowing that I wasn't. I hate the smell of fresh cut grass, the smell of sweat still makes me gag, and the heat has caused me to panic on many occassions. The worst thing I ever did was stay silent about what happened to me. I needed help, I just didn't realize it at the time. In my child-like mind that originially trusted too much, I felt like I would be treated like an invalid, and I was so scared no one would believe me, that silence seemed like the best option.
Freedom costs, as does restriction. I wish I would've known at that moment how much restriction would cost me.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Tour The Prison: Intake
If you're alive, you have breath and a heartbeat. If that breath has ever been taken away or that heart has ever stopped, even for a moment, you have a testimony. Our lives are filled with moments of pain or decisions that clear us of everything we always believed we were and leave us with the shell of who we thought we were.
When I was nine years old I was living in Memphis, Tennessee and going to an all black school where I was the minority. Having never noticed the difference between people, I paid no mind and tried my best to make friends anyway. I had a girl in my class, Andrea, that had it out for me, and I'll never understand why. She and her friends would tease and torment me in class and I tried to ignore them. One day after school I was heading to the spot to meet my brother and other kids we walked home together with when the books and papers currently in my hands went flying in the air and landed scattered on the floor. As I hurriedly bent to scoop them up, Andrea and her friends were kicking at me and teasing me, and I took off running with them trailing close behind. I passed the spot where I was to meet everyone and I didn't stop running. Raleigh Egypt Elementary was very close to the high school and we had to pass the track to get home. Oftentimes on hot days, our parents would take us out there in the evening to play around. As I continued my escape my side started to hurt and I was nearing the track, so I slowed down, let my backpack fall and bent over to catch my breath.
I never saw them coming. I never knew that a fraction of a second of not being aware could change your life forever. The next thing I know my things are being taken from me and I'm slammed against a hot brick wall by two black male high school students. I was held there by my hair while they both raped me, with their girlfriends sitting on the bleachers casually flipping through magazines. I know what it's like to choke on your own vomit and scream out in pain and fear and not have anyone hear you because your voice is barely audible. It's been twenty-two years and I can still smell the fresh cut grass, feel the heat of the brick on my back and smell the sweat of their bodies so much so that it causes me to gag.
Once my mouth was uncovered, I begged them to let me go because my brother and friends would be by soon, and just when I thought my life was over and hell would be where I remained, a look of sincerity crossed one of their faces and he handed me my backpack. I ran. I ran like my life depended it, and I barely beat everyone home. I went straight to the bathroom, cried, tried to figure out what had just happened, and told my Mom that I had gotten in a fight. My friends backed that up because they saw Andrea and her friends chasing me.
We never walked to school alone again.
When I was nine years old I was living in Memphis, Tennessee and going to an all black school where I was the minority. Having never noticed the difference between people, I paid no mind and tried my best to make friends anyway. I had a girl in my class, Andrea, that had it out for me, and I'll never understand why. She and her friends would tease and torment me in class and I tried to ignore them. One day after school I was heading to the spot to meet my brother and other kids we walked home together with when the books and papers currently in my hands went flying in the air and landed scattered on the floor. As I hurriedly bent to scoop them up, Andrea and her friends were kicking at me and teasing me, and I took off running with them trailing close behind. I passed the spot where I was to meet everyone and I didn't stop running. Raleigh Egypt Elementary was very close to the high school and we had to pass the track to get home. Oftentimes on hot days, our parents would take us out there in the evening to play around. As I continued my escape my side started to hurt and I was nearing the track, so I slowed down, let my backpack fall and bent over to catch my breath.
I never saw them coming. I never knew that a fraction of a second of not being aware could change your life forever. The next thing I know my things are being taken from me and I'm slammed against a hot brick wall by two black male high school students. I was held there by my hair while they both raped me, with their girlfriends sitting on the bleachers casually flipping through magazines. I know what it's like to choke on your own vomit and scream out in pain and fear and not have anyone hear you because your voice is barely audible. It's been twenty-two years and I can still smell the fresh cut grass, feel the heat of the brick on my back and smell the sweat of their bodies so much so that it causes me to gag.
Once my mouth was uncovered, I begged them to let me go because my brother and friends would be by soon, and just when I thought my life was over and hell would be where I remained, a look of sincerity crossed one of their faces and he handed me my backpack. I ran. I ran like my life depended it, and I barely beat everyone home. I went straight to the bathroom, cried, tried to figure out what had just happened, and told my Mom that I had gotten in a fight. My friends backed that up because they saw Andrea and her friends chasing me.
We never walked to school alone again.
Tour The Prison
I have decided it is high time to start giving my testimony. Therefore, if you're reading this, you are looking directly into my soul. Some of it may shock you, some of it may make you angry, hurt or sad, but nevertheless, this is me, and this is my story. I am not looking for opinions, I am just looking to share all I have gone through over the past few decades of my life. My prayer is that it touches someone's heart, because I know I am here for a purpose.
Before I started recovery, I was writing in my journal one night and I traced my hands. Inside of them I wrote, "Someday these hands will touch the lives of many." And I pray that happens.
God Bless,
Chele
Before I started recovery, I was writing in my journal one night and I traced my hands. Inside of them I wrote, "Someday these hands will touch the lives of many." And I pray that happens.
God Bless,
Chele
Monday, March 5, 2012
How I Walk
Through my entire life, I have learned much about faith and it's friends, mercy, grace, forgiveness, etc. Recently, I have been asked several times how I can still stand after being down so many times, be it by my own mistakes causing me to stumble or by being pushed to the ground. No matter what, my answer is always the same........faith. By faith I shall prevail.
Faith gave me the strength and ability to rise and walk through a life of silence and hurt.
Faith gave me forgiveness and changed me into a new person. And one that is silent no more.
Faith gave me the strength to handle the obstacles that came my way with moving and leaving friends and family behind. The best part was, I probably wouldn't be as close to any of them today if it wasn't for that.
Faith gave me the strength to set my own selfish needs aside and remember that God and my girls are number one and that the rest of my life is a long time.
Faith gave me mercy when I didn't think I could make it when the doctor said, "I'm sorry, but there is no more baby."
Faith gave me the strength, grace, mercy and forgiveness when I hurt my good friend to what seemed beyond repair. When I had to take lessons in humility and learn alot about myself. When I had to find new ground to stand on and find a new friendship, which I think could be better than before.......faith was there.
Faith gives me strength to stand against those who oppose me and seem it fitting to 'hit me with their best shot'.
Faith gives me forgiveness when I say or think something that is hurtful and rude to someone else because my flesh rises up in me.
Faith gives me strength, mercy and grace when my phone rings and a girl is on the other end who thinks she can't make it another day and all she needs is someone to listen.
Faith gives me strength on those days when I feel I've failed Him, on the days I get tired of staring at my white walls and I'm not counting my blessings, during the times I feel I've been failed and when I think that nothing seems to be going my way.
Faith reminds me of the strength, mercy, grace, forgiveness, love, wisdom, integrity, dignity and other attributes that my God has bestowed upon me because I am His daughter. I may not always see it and people may not always agree with it, but God does, and I am His and He is mine. There are so many things I have not understood, and yet, through it all, God has always been faithful! Just like Mama Erin has told me for years now......."Keep your head held high and walk in the grace and dignity God gave you. If you do, when you walk through the fire, you won't be burned, and in the end, the truth will always set you free."
And so I shall continue to walk......
Faith gave me the strength and ability to rise and walk through a life of silence and hurt.
Faith gave me forgiveness and changed me into a new person. And one that is silent no more.
Faith gave me the strength to handle the obstacles that came my way with moving and leaving friends and family behind. The best part was, I probably wouldn't be as close to any of them today if it wasn't for that.
Faith gave me the strength to set my own selfish needs aside and remember that God and my girls are number one and that the rest of my life is a long time.
Faith gave me mercy when I didn't think I could make it when the doctor said, "I'm sorry, but there is no more baby."
Faith gave me the strength, grace, mercy and forgiveness when I hurt my good friend to what seemed beyond repair. When I had to take lessons in humility and learn alot about myself. When I had to find new ground to stand on and find a new friendship, which I think could be better than before.......faith was there.
Faith gives me strength to stand against those who oppose me and seem it fitting to 'hit me with their best shot'.
Faith gives me forgiveness when I say or think something that is hurtful and rude to someone else because my flesh rises up in me.
Faith gives me strength, mercy and grace when my phone rings and a girl is on the other end who thinks she can't make it another day and all she needs is someone to listen.
Faith gives me strength on those days when I feel I've failed Him, on the days I get tired of staring at my white walls and I'm not counting my blessings, during the times I feel I've been failed and when I think that nothing seems to be going my way.
Faith reminds me of the strength, mercy, grace, forgiveness, love, wisdom, integrity, dignity and other attributes that my God has bestowed upon me because I am His daughter. I may not always see it and people may not always agree with it, but God does, and I am His and He is mine. There are so many things I have not understood, and yet, through it all, God has always been faithful! Just like Mama Erin has told me for years now......."Keep your head held high and walk in the grace and dignity God gave you. If you do, when you walk through the fire, you won't be burned, and in the end, the truth will always set you free."
And so I shall continue to walk......
The Love Emotion
I was listening to Jeff as he popped off the seal
About what sex does to a culture and what it reveals.
My mind started turning and I started to rhyme,
But my heart knew I needed to write, this was the right time.
“Take a rape victim for example and once it’s revealed,
When the bruises go away, is she totally healed?
Nah, the damage is lasting, you can see it in her eyes.
But if it was just abused recreation, why did it ruin her life?
I mean, if sex is just for fun, why does it take such a toll?
Maybe it’s because you don’t have sex with a body, you have sex with a soul.”
This hit me really hard and I started to cry,
You see my past goes back twenty-one years, back to the age of nine.
I never saw it coming, I never had a defense,
The empty confused looks on their faces will never make sense.
What kind of satisfaction do you get from abused recreation?
This type of thinking, is this what we want to teach this generation?
Casual sex is a façade, and not how God meant it to be.
It’s like handing a girl her sign that says, “Use and Abuse Me.”
You have to understand what goes on in a girl’s head,
You need to love her for her before you ever get her in bed.
For us it’s emotional, there are always strings attached,
But if you can’t respect her, then she isn’t your match.
I know sex is fun, I’m not trying to be a hater,
But fun aside, the consequences are far greater.
The shame that you feel when someone touches you with no love,
Is like standing on the edge of a cliff just waiting for a shove.
You feel unwanted and dirty, lips not moving but wanting to scream.
You scrub your skin until it bleeds, but it never feels clean.
So guys, think twice before you disrespect a lady and ruin her life,
She’s someone’s daughter, sister, future mother and wife.
You have no idea what a smile can hide,
But the emotional scarring won’t easily subside.
Find out if she’s smart and sweet, and not just if she’s hot.
Your body makes a promise to her, whether you do or not.
Now ladies, before you get excited, we’re far from off the hook.
Dressed to the nines, you walk by him slowly, giving him that look.
Yeah, you know what I mean, so we don’t make it easy.
Guys are all visual, so when they see you, what they see is pleasing.
So if you want the respect, you need to give it in return.
And with the way society teaches us, sometimes that is hard to learn.
I’d say, “Watch what you wear.”, but don’t want to be misheard,
But often what you’re wearing gets attention without you saying a word.
Stilettos, short skirts, tight shirts and jeans, yeah, you know where it’s at,
Just remember it’s not necessary for him to know Victoria’s Secret.
Now does this mean what you’re wearing justifies an action? No, so no yelling yet.
This isn’t a speech about how if you dress like that, hurt is what you get.
But guys love curves, so if you show them, you can’t condemn if they look
Mixed with flirty attitudes and the kissy profile pics we took,
It’s no wonder sometimes respect isn’t given.
Like I said before, guys are visually driven.
There is life and death in the tongue, so watch what you say
Even in fun, it has an effect, and will get worse day by day.
They deserve our respect as much as we deserve theirs,
So don’t get defensive, just pay heed to what you’ve heard.
My final topic is one that causes my heart to beat out of beat,
Because it brings up my past and my face starts to heat.
Respect is what I’ve talked about, but this point is even more real.
What has happened in your past is nothing to conceal.
One night a pastor stopped his sermon with a word for me and I started to cry.
He saw the pain in my past and I saw the mercy in his eyes.
He said, “Those burdens aren’t yours, lay them at His feet.”
I said, “I’m covered in sin and shame, He wouldn’t want me.”
“It’s exactly what He wants,” he whispered, tears coursing down his face,
“That’s why years ago He gave His life and justice met grace.”
God saved my life and my death that night, but there’s even more,
That mercy and grace I found, that can be yours.
But you can’t give love if you don’t love yourself,
So go to the only one that can truly make you melt.
He’ll love you and care for you, and make you white as snow,
I know it’s sounds cliché, but it’s how the story goes.
Have respect for yourself, just like you would for another,
Because trust me, there is nothing attractive about having a big number.
‘It’s not love, but it’s close enough’, isn’t right, there’s so much more.
You aren’t made for failure and hurt, victory is yours.
It took me years to learn this, but it’s all so true.
Jesus should be first, He’s the only One that can truly love you.
**These are my personal words after hearing Jeff Bethke's Open Mic Night Poem, Sexual Healing. If you haven't heard it, you need to. It's an amazing aspect about how backwards this society is on the subject of sex and love. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IlJFvxad1_A
About what sex does to a culture and what it reveals.
My mind started turning and I started to rhyme,
But my heart knew I needed to write, this was the right time.
“Take a rape victim for example and once it’s revealed,
When the bruises go away, is she totally healed?
Nah, the damage is lasting, you can see it in her eyes.
But if it was just abused recreation, why did it ruin her life?
I mean, if sex is just for fun, why does it take such a toll?
Maybe it’s because you don’t have sex with a body, you have sex with a soul.”
This hit me really hard and I started to cry,
You see my past goes back twenty-one years, back to the age of nine.
I never saw it coming, I never had a defense,
The empty confused looks on their faces will never make sense.
What kind of satisfaction do you get from abused recreation?
This type of thinking, is this what we want to teach this generation?
Casual sex is a façade, and not how God meant it to be.
It’s like handing a girl her sign that says, “Use and Abuse Me.”
You have to understand what goes on in a girl’s head,
You need to love her for her before you ever get her in bed.
For us it’s emotional, there are always strings attached,
But if you can’t respect her, then she isn’t your match.
I know sex is fun, I’m not trying to be a hater,
But fun aside, the consequences are far greater.
The shame that you feel when someone touches you with no love,
Is like standing on the edge of a cliff just waiting for a shove.
You feel unwanted and dirty, lips not moving but wanting to scream.
You scrub your skin until it bleeds, but it never feels clean.
So guys, think twice before you disrespect a lady and ruin her life,
She’s someone’s daughter, sister, future mother and wife.
You have no idea what a smile can hide,
But the emotional scarring won’t easily subside.
Find out if she’s smart and sweet, and not just if she’s hot.
Your body makes a promise to her, whether you do or not.
Now ladies, before you get excited, we’re far from off the hook.
Dressed to the nines, you walk by him slowly, giving him that look.
Yeah, you know what I mean, so we don’t make it easy.
Guys are all visual, so when they see you, what they see is pleasing.
So if you want the respect, you need to give it in return.
And with the way society teaches us, sometimes that is hard to learn.
I’d say, “Watch what you wear.”, but don’t want to be misheard,
But often what you’re wearing gets attention without you saying a word.
Stilettos, short skirts, tight shirts and jeans, yeah, you know where it’s at,
Just remember it’s not necessary for him to know Victoria’s Secret.
Now does this mean what you’re wearing justifies an action? No, so no yelling yet.
This isn’t a speech about how if you dress like that, hurt is what you get.
But guys love curves, so if you show them, you can’t condemn if they look
Mixed with flirty attitudes and the kissy profile pics we took,
It’s no wonder sometimes respect isn’t given.
Like I said before, guys are visually driven.
There is life and death in the tongue, so watch what you say
Even in fun, it has an effect, and will get worse day by day.
They deserve our respect as much as we deserve theirs,
So don’t get defensive, just pay heed to what you’ve heard.
My final topic is one that causes my heart to beat out of beat,
Because it brings up my past and my face starts to heat.
Respect is what I’ve talked about, but this point is even more real.
What has happened in your past is nothing to conceal.
One night a pastor stopped his sermon with a word for me and I started to cry.
He saw the pain in my past and I saw the mercy in his eyes.
He said, “Those burdens aren’t yours, lay them at His feet.”
I said, “I’m covered in sin and shame, He wouldn’t want me.”
“It’s exactly what He wants,” he whispered, tears coursing down his face,
“That’s why years ago He gave His life and justice met grace.”
God saved my life and my death that night, but there’s even more,
That mercy and grace I found, that can be yours.
But you can’t give love if you don’t love yourself,
So go to the only one that can truly make you melt.
He’ll love you and care for you, and make you white as snow,
I know it’s sounds cliché, but it’s how the story goes.
Have respect for yourself, just like you would for another,
Because trust me, there is nothing attractive about having a big number.
‘It’s not love, but it’s close enough’, isn’t right, there’s so much more.
You aren’t made for failure and hurt, victory is yours.
It took me years to learn this, but it’s all so true.
Jesus should be first, He’s the only One that can truly love you.
**These are my personal words after hearing Jeff Bethke's Open Mic Night Poem, Sexual Healing. If you haven't heard it, you need to. It's an amazing aspect about how backwards this society is on the subject of sex and love. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IlJFvxad1_A
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Finished
انتهى (Arabic), завършен (Bulgarian), skončil (Czech), færdig (Danish), terminée (French), finito (Italian)........finished. The sounds are all as different as the lands from which they came, yet when it comes down to it, the translation in English slang would be: fade to black, roll the credits, the fat lady is singing......that's it.
I suppose we don't put too much emphasis on this word, however, it holds a lot of power. Lately I have heard, "I don't want to turn out like him/her!" so much that it has truly affected me. Placing a judgement on someone definitely bothers me so much, I try my hardest not to do it, however, when you place that type of a label on someone, you have no idea what you are doing.
It bothers me to hear someone say that, because it all actuality, God isn't finished with us yet. As long as we have breath in our lungs, we are alive and God is still completing His work within us. Isaiah 64:8 says, "We are the clay, You are the potter. We are all the work of Your hands." I have a lot to learn. I’m in awe that the older I get I find out just how much I still have left to learn. Are you the same way? It’s not that I thought I would get smarter along the way, I guess it’s just that I thought I would know how to more confidently handle those things that DID come my way! And I know that’s not always the case. Thank heavens God doesn’t leave me this way! I am so glad that I get the chance to continue to learn and grow – and I’m trying to grasp that opportunity with both hands.
I may not know it all but one thing I do know and have learned is that it’s okay to not know it all. It’s okay for me to admit that “I don’t know” or that I might have made a mistake. I don’t want to be a “poser” or someone who acts like they have it all together; because I certainly don’t. God didn't design us to be perfect, He designed us to be happy, healthy and whole.
No matter how old we are, we can still be learning. We can still be growing, bettering ourselves, rethinking things, and changing our minds about what we like and who we want to be! It’s okay! Don’t let the world scare you into thinking you can never change your mind! I change my mind a lot. Each time I do I seem to get a little closer to the vision I have for myself and what I want for my life. So it’s more than okay to change your mind as long as you find yourself moving forward.
God isn’t finished with me yet. He’s not finished with you either. And those people that we say, "I don't want to turn out like them!" about, He's not done with them either. There’s a lot in our lives to whittle away, mold, scrape off, throw out, gently prod about, and sift. Sometimes it’s painful and other times it’s welcome… just like a storm. But either way we can find solace in the fact that He loves us and He has a beautiful plan for us. He’s not out to harm us, He doesn’t intend on neglecting us, and He doesn’t ever shame us. He encourages, guides, sometimes disciplines, and always, always continues to try and get our attention so we can grab hold onto the life He has in mind for us – a fulfilling life.
I want that. Don’t you? So let’s keep on learning. Let’s do what it takes to gain wisdom, discernment and grow from our past and our mistakes. Let’s swallow our pride and learn humility as we follow His leading and direction. If we want to be better people, if we want to be all that we can be for Him (and for ourselves) it’s the only way.
Trust in Him- for He’s not finished with you yet.
I suppose we don't put too much emphasis on this word, however, it holds a lot of power. Lately I have heard, "I don't want to turn out like him/her!" so much that it has truly affected me. Placing a judgement on someone definitely bothers me so much, I try my hardest not to do it, however, when you place that type of a label on someone, you have no idea what you are doing.
It bothers me to hear someone say that, because it all actuality, God isn't finished with us yet. As long as we have breath in our lungs, we are alive and God is still completing His work within us. Isaiah 64:8 says, "We are the clay, You are the potter. We are all the work of Your hands." I have a lot to learn. I’m in awe that the older I get I find out just how much I still have left to learn. Are you the same way? It’s not that I thought I would get smarter along the way, I guess it’s just that I thought I would know how to more confidently handle those things that DID come my way! And I know that’s not always the case. Thank heavens God doesn’t leave me this way! I am so glad that I get the chance to continue to learn and grow – and I’m trying to grasp that opportunity with both hands.
I may not know it all but one thing I do know and have learned is that it’s okay to not know it all. It’s okay for me to admit that “I don’t know” or that I might have made a mistake. I don’t want to be a “poser” or someone who acts like they have it all together; because I certainly don’t. God didn't design us to be perfect, He designed us to be happy, healthy and whole.
No matter how old we are, we can still be learning. We can still be growing, bettering ourselves, rethinking things, and changing our minds about what we like and who we want to be! It’s okay! Don’t let the world scare you into thinking you can never change your mind! I change my mind a lot. Each time I do I seem to get a little closer to the vision I have for myself and what I want for my life. So it’s more than okay to change your mind as long as you find yourself moving forward.
God isn’t finished with me yet. He’s not finished with you either. And those people that we say, "I don't want to turn out like them!" about, He's not done with them either. There’s a lot in our lives to whittle away, mold, scrape off, throw out, gently prod about, and sift. Sometimes it’s painful and other times it’s welcome… just like a storm. But either way we can find solace in the fact that He loves us and He has a beautiful plan for us. He’s not out to harm us, He doesn’t intend on neglecting us, and He doesn’t ever shame us. He encourages, guides, sometimes disciplines, and always, always continues to try and get our attention so we can grab hold onto the life He has in mind for us – a fulfilling life.
I want that. Don’t you? So let’s keep on learning. Let’s do what it takes to gain wisdom, discernment and grow from our past and our mistakes. Let’s swallow our pride and learn humility as we follow His leading and direction. If we want to be better people, if we want to be all that we can be for Him (and for ourselves) it’s the only way.
Trust in Him- for He’s not finished with you yet.
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